The blister finger

It's a Tues morning, 12:25am. 

Well it's rather "early"in the morning. 

Well... i was suppose to blog on this yesterday night but lol well i felt asleep even before i typed the first word. 

Back to the point, i was actually just looking at my fingers and as i saw this blister that i got after playing the bass on sunday morning. 

Thinking back i've realized how far i came... with the bass.. 

Remembering how i wasn't really interested at the beginning..

and to the day where the cha cha band was formed..

then to the time where i got scolding from Amos... 

till today laying with the regional band. 

I'm glad and amazed how God had changed my heart 

and attitude towards things in life with the bass.. (never say die spirit).

and of cause with the people i'm surrounded with. Never fails to scold me with love, and encourage me when i'm discouraged. 

Thankful that's all i can say. :)

can anyone hear it?

it's 9:40pm in Singapore...
and it's 11:40pm here in Brisbane...
Once again i'm sitting infront of the laptop.
going through the thoughts that came by...
sitting on my bed in this mini room in the hostel..
a guy strumming the guitar singing to himself at the cooridoor...
I thought to myself...
Lord...
why? why things has to turn out the way it is...

it's been awhile since i took time to gather my thoughts on my future.
Over this trip, i figured
in the most simple way, people are just passionate on what they do.. Knowing that every single day they had a purpose.. and they knew they are called to do this at this time at this place...
I question myself, what do I want?
I'm not well very happy with the way i am now i think...
walking day by day just for the sake of doing what i'm suppose to...

over the trip i remembered how i always wanted to make it big somehow some day..
i remember how when i tell myself...
Look Yvonne here is it... u gonna be a great director... producer maybe... art director...
but over this trip, what i saw was just a pure passion... a pure calling in each person i met..
I wonder to myself, this is the kinda life, i wanna live.. but can i affort it is the question.

I spoke to mum... gotten her support to pursue what's right for my life, however the saddness of life came when the exteral parties saw the plans i had in my mind was a road of more suffering to the people around me.

No one was really ever supportive besides my mum in the things i pursue...
They think in the most realistic way that many times i guess that's what make working a pain.
Anyhow, it hurts most when you figured the people whom you look up to sometimes comes back with a thinking that you had not grow up to think for others not knowing what actually goes through my thoughts.

I can cry over this all over again...
but i guess whatever it is...
I know what i'm doing...
not living a life that is unplanned..
not living a life that pleases everyone...
but desire to live a life of passion and great purpose.

It's time

It's 10:55pm on a sunny sunday.. :)

Waking up early this morning not knowing what's installed through the day...

Expecting things will run as usual like any other sunday.

But as the day comes to an end before i head to my bed and rest...

I reflect on what's different today.

Indeed, it's such a special day..

it somehow just felt awesome every single moment... 

Like any sunday, i get up at 7:45am... showered and heads out to church..

I pick up the bass and start plugging it in and start playing the songs as the service starts. 

Msg was interesting.. very different but it was good.

then came ministry meeting where everything changes.

Again it wasn't like any other rehearsal meeting, today was really to reflect the foundations of our worship.

We did not have practice sessions, but what Jidi shared was really... amazing and i believe it is from God. Even Esther's worship was great. 

Never do i want to just provide shades to those who walks into church..

I want to produce fruits that brings life... the worship that comes out should be like a river of living water that when one walks into church feeling warm.. dry.. thirsty can too be refresh and it last for a long way... 

You know at some point, it is amazing how God impresses your heart on the things that is coming. 

I remember this week had been such an intense week. Everything just came slapping on my face. It's as if you couldn't even get a chance to take a break from the slapping that comes. 

IT'S UNCONTROLLABLE!!!

at one point i'm screaming in my heart and mind saying "ENOUGH!! OK OK.. I SUCK!! STOP IT!"

But it is amazing that in the mist of all the slapping moments, God prepared my heart of what i'm about to hear. 

I knew that i was almost in a desperate moment of just needing a break from everything. 

and just to really take time away to spend time with God. And i mean really getting away from all form of communication that could ever exist. 

I missed the time when i had so much faith in what God had promised me.

I missed the time when i was always able to just praise God in almost every single thing. (lol praise God.)

And more importantly I think i missed the time when i really understood the purpose of why things happen the way it is. Of cos, not to say that i don't understand it now but it's as if the mask of busy-ness came in along the way and i just live with it. Week after week. 

Anyhow, back to the key point. I was amazed that during this week i started to have thoughts like.. Hey maybe i should make a habit of catching a movie once a month? picking up classes? Go out and do some drawing.. something that you can just enjoy.. and spend sometime with your friends or alone. and i guess i've figured that spending time alone outside can be good. Although it might be alittle weird.. because you suddenly feel so empty around you.. It's as if you didn't bring your bag out on a normal day. These thoughts came to me as a random thoughts but today it was like a confirmation of these activities are what God wants me to do.

Therefore, with these yeah i guess.. it's time for me to hit myself with a treat. :)

*Twist* 

One of those day

It's 12:13am on a Wednesday morning.. 

Sitting in my desk area waiting for things to be done i reflect once again upon what happen today.

Taking in a deep breath, i thought to myself that today is just one of those days that you cry not because you are happy.. not because someone had hurt you but the fact that you get so angry that you didn't know what to do but to cry over it..

It started off with a really blue morning when you just figured that today will just going to be another working day with exciting stuff installed. Till it hits the evening, things changes. It's as if the world had been turned up side down. 

I thought that with my commitment, the number of hours i didn't mind to give up on.. the number of sleepless nights.. the money i spend... the many weekends that i could have gone out to shop or rest at home was enough to meet the expectations.. but it seems that though with these commitment i gave all i get was a remark of just 75% effort coming from me. 

Sometime i wonder, what really is 100% then. I don't know. I'm left speechless this evening but to just ask myself haven't i done enough? Perhaps it's time to move on? or maybe 

i'm just not good enough.. 

The one mistake was to assume even though you trusted. Therefore, i've decided to prob stay silent. 

2:11am

Yet another Friday night/Saturday Morning. 

Like any other Friday nights, i burn it off with all the editing work that is yet to be done. 

But today was alittle different, i was able to finish early but was held back by some stuff. 

Anyhow, life have been on a rather down slop. 

Many challenges that i'm seeing is getting nearer and nearer to me each day. 

Sitting around my working area back home, i felt the wind blowing towards me and i figured that it's raining. 

For some reason i was planning to get to my bed and sleep off my night but i was held back to blog and guess what? i've no idea what do i wanna blog either. Lol!

Staring blank on the desktop screen, the only thing that could cross my mind now is God. 

How i fail so many times in submitting towards what he had planned or ask of me. I can't help but to just fall back and think about his grace and mercy upon my life. 

It is so true that one should live life like there is no tomorrow because who would knows what might happen to them the very next breath that they are taking in. 

A breath of life and death is as simple and easy as a few mins or sometimes even by sec. 

Today we might be standing shouting at the top of our lungs of how healthy we are and the next moment we might be gone. 

Life is so unpredictable. 

But above all, he is in control of our lives. 

A time for a certain purpose for a certain reason. 

All we've got to do is to wait upon him for his promises to fulfill in our lives. 

Believe in Faith with Actions. 

That's what i want to strive to do. 

Yehweh. Yehweh. 

 

The songs that teared my heart

Something is wrong with the blog skin.. Lol anyways.. yeah it's been awhile ever since i last blog. Like many and any working adults you kinda lose the energy that you use to have.. Once you are home most of the time you just wanna check some mails and head back to the bed. But today i've decided that i should just update my blog with the thoughts that have been going through today.

It's like any other usual day that we pass by, and like any other day i get off my mum's car and head up to the train station. Taking the usual steps, when i reached the platform, i walked towards the last cabin then i took a look at the huge clock. The clock says it's 9am and I thought to myself yup the train will be reaching in a min. Soon the train arrived, like any other usual day i stepped into the train finding the corner seat to myself. I popped my ipod and let it figure what it should be playing till i reached Kallang and off to work. As the day planned ahead, filled with so many things to do, ordering of equipments, getting the logistics done, emailing, checking more emails and suddenly i was hit by the song Healer. Right at my desk, i teared over it. The same anointing fallen right where i was at. I was reminded of so many things. I remember how i didn't like this song before until i hear the lyrics out. I didn't know how to even express how thankful i am. Thankful of the many time my failure doesn't stop him from healing my wounded soul. Then i watched the dvd i borrowed, "This is Our God". Indeed the songs speaks of every character God is about. In Healer, Joel H spoke about his conversation with Mike. G. Yeah everyone knows that all these was like a show put up to boost up our faith in Christ but when i listen to the many different ones sang this song, God's anointing was in that place, God's anointing was with that man who wrote this song. and the same anointing was with everyone who listens it. Joel expresses his speech-lessness to how Mike describes about the worse situation that he could be in.. He said "how long? How long more? yet.. there is again the faith in him that... is.. speechless.." Mike says, that this anointing that was there shouldn't just be where it is.. It should be with whoever that sings this song. Today, i walked home Singing this song aloud in my heart and while walking home i cry out to God.

The Dessert Song, like Healer, i didn't like it before until i saw the faith in that song, i saw the hope that's in this song. Like any usual day, after work, i board the train and i waited for a seat. As i sat down, i took out the laptop wanting to do some edits or perhaps catch some video entertainments. I clicked on my edits and realized it's all in my hard disk so i continued to watch the interview in This is Our God. Jill.M sang this song. This song says, "All of my life, In every season You are still God, I have a reason to sing, a reason to worship and I will bring praise, no weapon forged against me shall remain.." and this is the part that goes all out with faith and courage and that's to rejoice and declare that God is my victory and He is Here." I couldn't help it but to be reminded the time i was down in the lowest valley of my life, i wanted to leave everything aside and just move on with life like how i want it to be. But he took me back. I was reminded in the lowest time of my life, when things come against me, everyday was a battle to walk home, fearing that i'll be alone in my room, fearing the problems that i've to face when i'm home, I cry out to God and he gave me faith to trust in him that he is always with me. I was reminded the time when i couldn't bring myself to lift up my hands to just worship him, and he gave me the courage to lift up my hands once again on stage to just sing to him. I can never forget the time when i'm singing to him and he smiles back at me, i can never forget the every season of my life. He was there for me and the sense of joy in me couldn't be held within me anymore that i just go all out rejoicing knowing that he is the very reason why i'm singing why i'm worshipping..

Lord!!! I Love You!!

You are worth it!

Oh man.. I've been wanting to blog since about an hour ago but i've fail to do so. Lol so anyhow, Yes! I'm gonna just blog alittle anyways.

Today have been a rather easy going day. It starts off with a photo shoot on a corporate video that i've been doing for almost a year. (of cause right now i do have a full time job) but anyhow, how great can a photo shoot start off when i found out half way through the journey i figured that i've forgotten to bring my Compact Flash Card. Deep inside of me i started to slap on my forehead.. thinking to myself..

" Yvonne! How can you assume???? Didn't you figure that the word that was writed on the screen was -E- meaning empty? Why why why didn't you bother to upload the photos earlier on the card then you might have figured this out?? WHY!!"

Well you must have thought what's the big deal.. Point here is.. Never assume! That's almost like the motto of my company. the time when you assume things too much is when problems are coming your way. Oh wells i thought to myself let's try to figure a fastest way to borrow a CF card go buy it go home get it borrow it from friends whatever it is! JUST GET IT! so well when we reached the location, we figured that it's like a ulu place that no cab passes by and i told the uncle i need to get out of this place to get something.. Obviously he wasn't happy for whatever reason, he was making noise when i'm paying HIM to drive me out. I rushed to Harvey Norman. I was expecting the card to be at least 50bucks but guess what? I've figured that Harvey Norman only sells 2GB CF card. and i'm like oh crap! it's gonna be get ex. but! THANK GOD! the guy was like it's 19bucks! I'M LIKE THANK GOD FOR PC SHOWS or whatever shows you have there. I bought it and rushed back to location. It took me about 15mins i guess.. so well that's pretty much how my day started.

Moving on.. after the shoot i had some time before heading for edge so i took some time to hang out at the starbucks at NorthPoint. Nice place and well i started to continue my script (it seems never ending writting for my script lol) and yeah i'm glad i've got it moved on in a way. SO anyhow, i head off for edge. See.. i've been hearing how subjective how we humans can be. That sometimes we only listens to our logical side of mind and totally ignore or forgotten how God can works the so many ways. People asked me oh you mean you are still in the Youth ministry? Not expired yet? i mean seriously guys.. what do you mean by not expired yet? You mean u do get expired in God's kingdom? Or how about this... sorry i don't feel ministed anymore. You know youth ministry... nah the issue that i'm facing is Wayyy too much as compared to those who are still in school. You see, i've figured that first of all God works in the most amazing way as long as you choose to submit to him. SUre there are cases when people moved on to another ministry cos they have a burden to that ministry or maybe God has called them to somewhere else to bless the others. But putting this aside, i've figured that sometimes, in the most simple way.. in the most basic way.. is what ministers to us (whom supposingly more matured in the Lord) most! I can say this out loud because God have been so real in my life and believe it or not although i'm 22 this year, i get ministed most when it comes to the most basic way of living.

Today during worship, i couldn't help it but to take myself one step backwards and start to realized how amazing God is. John 3:16 says For God so love the world that he have his only son.. It's so simple.. yet so many times we get so familar with this whole verse and it's almost like just brushing off our teeth and we don't realized it. i mean HEY! For God so Love the world. Jeremy emphsize on that listen to the first 4 words.. For God SO LOVE.. and he loves us more then anything else. no matter how fat, slim tall short if we have a weird mole on our body or we have weird eye brown it doesn't matter to him! cos he just loves us the way we are. and guess what? that's all that matters... we may be facing a huge problem in our lives.. but guess what? it doesn't matter cos God loves us.. and if God loves us so much that he is even willing to send his son to died for our sins and our pain.. he will come walk us through.. as i took a step back again and i think to myself, wow.. i'm worth it.. you are worth it. Jesus had died on the cross not just for display.. not for him to have like some kinda credit.. (i mean seriously if it's just for credit i think that's the stupidest reason why he would die for us that way.) but he died so that you and i can stand before God. I don't deserve this i thought to myself i don't. But i know Jesus had redeemed me and he wants me to know that you and i are not some kinda left over food that he found pity on that's why he takes us in.. we are so like his treasure.. and he is saying to us..

"You are worth it my child.
My child,
You are worth it"